Archive for October 2008
How to get hold of A Reporer’s Memoir
An exclusive, first edition of A Reporter’s Memoir NO HARD FEELINGS has just rolled off the press. It is enjoying brisk sales and all the indications are that a second edition will be necessary. So, quick get your copy. It may become a collector’s item. They are now available at $23 before GST at:
Select Books
Tanglin Shopping Centre #03-15
Tel: 67321515
The Arts House Earshot Café
1 Old Parliament Lane
Tel: 63326900
Alternatively, contact the author: ibekay@singnet.com.sg or ibikay@yahoo.co.uk
Ismail Kassim
A tongue-in-cheek Preview of Oct 28 Book Launch
24 October 2008
Attn: Editors/Reporters
The management of the YaLong Times takes pleasure in attaching herewith a preview of Ismail Kassim’s forthcoming book launch written by our Bulshitzer prize-winning star reporter, Yi Si Mai. This is a free service. Use it in anyway you like, but please attribute.
A galaxy of media stars will descend on the National Library next Tuesday, Oct 28, to witness the orbiting of Ismail Kassim’s A Reporter’s Memoir No Hard Feelings.
To ensure a successful launch into all the known and unknown worlds, a special rocket, dubbed the Buaya Baby God 1-SRN-HLKY85, has been developed for the occasion by the secret weapons techno-science arm of the SAF.
On hand to do the honours is the star of stars, Seah Chiang Nee, whose name has become synonymous with grit and determination, courage and guts because of his ‘’write the damn truth without fear or favour’’ columns in Little Speck.com.
To help Seah fire the rocket are other legends of the local press such as Peter Lim, Cheong Yip Seng, Sia Cheong Yew, PN Balji and not to forget, David Kraal.
It is their combined sweat and tears, inspiration and perspiration, talent and grit over the last four to five decades that have built the local media into a centre of Excellence, recognized throughout the universe.
Others that will come marching in from the old Times House Hall of Fame include Violet Onn, Brian Miller, Margaret Chan, Wang Joo, Azmi Mahmud, Look Fung, Slyvia Toh, Sonny Yap, Richard Lim, Betty Khoo and Irene Hoe.
As former ST reporter Gerry deSilva quipped: ‘’ It will be the greatest gathering of media talent in Singapore since the first edition of The Straits Times hit the streets in 1845.’’
Author Ismail and Seah were among the first from Times House to venture abroad in search of news and stories. On some of the trips, they were together – the latter reporting for the Straits Times and the former for the New Nation.
On many occasions, Ismail went alone. Braving leaches in muddy padi fields and shit-filled potholes in tin mines, drug-ridden slums and ganja shanties, and cholera, gonorrhea and syphilis, he went everywhere to show the flag, ferret out the news, abuse the men and entice the women in the best Livingstone tradition.
Because of him, New Nation and then Straits Times became a household name from remote Kg Cheruk Tok Kun (Anwar’s birth place) to Lahad Datu, the pirate’s hideout, to Xin Jian New Village on the outskirts of Bidor, where many of the stars from YaLong have come from since the 1950s.
In his Author’s delight, highly placed sources said Ismail is expected to speak in Malay first to honour the National Language and then a few words in Mandarin to amuse his Chinese teacher and then in English to entertain his guests.
‘’You can expect him to hit out at the ingrained obsession in official circles to think only of money and maximising profit, even in times of pain and hardship, even to the extent of duping ignorant folks.
‘’He wants to use the occasion to thumb his nose against them, and what better way is there than selling his memoir at the lowest price possible,’’ said a source particularly close to him.
In his address, Seah is likely to touch on the same theme and moan the rise of a new Singapore that he can neither recognize nor love.
There will also be an infusion of foreign talent from across the Johore Causeway. Hardev Kaur, Zainon Ahmad and even the great mullah, Kali, are expected to show up to add glamour and glitz to the gathering.
‘’Who has not heard of Kali? With his ears constantly on the ground and his ass high up in the air, he knows every going-on in UMNO. He can even tell you who goes to the shit- house and when,’’said a diplomat turned scholar, who was formerly the permanent representative from the little red dot to Putraland.
Other stars coming include Assif Shameen (if not for his Malaysian reports Asiaweek would have folded a decade or two earlier) and Mervin Nambiar, the Keralite who has become a legend in the Agence-France Presse for both his reporting and marketing prowess..
To underline his Malay roots, Ismail has also arranged for an old friend, Abdul Talib Ghani, to recite pantuns to add a mystical touch to the proceedings.
According to a source close to both of them, Talib has the potential of becoming the greatest pantunist ‘semenjak Singapura di-langgat todak lima ribu tahun dahulu.’ (since swordfish attacked Singapore 5000 years ago – three zeros is correct).
And presiding over the proceedings as Master of Ceremony is Mohd. Amin Sidek – Singapore’s version of the great and unpredictable Idi Amin.
P/S: Hot News
A Reporter’s Memoir NO HARD FEELINGS has just been nominated for the Hooker Book Prize 2009. The winner will be decided by secret ballot to be conducted by the top 10 YaLong houses from among its girls and patrons from Jan 1 to Feb 28. We like to urge friends of the Author to stand up and do their bit for him.
Attention to Reporters/Editors: Don’t get scooped. Make sure you send someone to cover the event.
Tah Zi You
Chief Editor
YaLong Times
32, Lorong 28, Geylang
Singapore
Quotable Quotes
Quotable Quotes from: A Reporter’s Memoir NO HARD FEELINGS
On the return of the British after the Second World War:
In war, fortunes changed swift and fast. With the help of big brother America and two atomic bombs, the British were soon back as the colonial masters of Singapore.
*
On Hang Tuah, the legendary Malay hero:
Maybe we should not be too harsh with him. He lived in a different age with a different moral code. Even in the present enlightened era, there is still no lack of highly capable and talented people behaving very much like the Hang Tuah of old.
*
As a 10-year old school boy seeing for the first time a (si-go-luck) gambling stall outside the school gate in 1955:
I came, I saw, I succumbed.
*
Thoughts of the PAP in 1960 as a 17 year old O level student:
On some hot days when Jerry was not around, my thoughts would sometimes zero in on the new rulers of Singapore, the men in white led by this Lee Kuan Yew fellow, and wondered whether in time, they would be as capricious as the sultans from the bangsawan era.
*
To me, the way Lee outmanoeuvred the communists over the merger proposals, showed him at his most brilliant. It was political poker at its best. Of course, if you want to be unkind you can describe it as Lee at his most cunning. I saluted him and the conclusion I drew then:
If you are on firm moral ground, cast aside the Queensberry rules. Do whatever is necessary to win, within the bounds of human decency.
*
It is common for journalists everywhere to side with the weaker party, the underdog, the one being bullied and I was no exception, partly because of natural tendencies and partly because as a minority myself, I could easily empathise with the Malaysian non-Malays.
In their eyes, I see myself and in their cries for a better deal, I hear the same cries of my people back home.
*
On Umno’s rank and file:
When push comes to shove, an UMNO leader always thinks of his stomach first. Loyalty, cause, or ideals, they could all be flushed down the gutter with the shit.
*
On some Malaysians who expect special treatment on account of their birth:
For someone living under the egalitarian spirit of the Republic and nurture by the ideals of Islamic equality, there is no way I could cringe before any man.
*
On Israel during a visit in the late 80s:
In truth, I told him that in 1956 when I did not know any better I sympathised with Israel as at that time, I felt that she was the underdog. By the time of my visit, this underdog had become the Rottweiler of the Middle East, and had developed a voracious appetite for Palestinian land and – blood.
*
On Islamic fundamentalism in Malaysia:
The choice for Pak Lah and other Muslim leaders in UMNO is clear: Do you rein in the Islamic religious authorities and if necessary clip their powers or do you pander to their version of what constitutes correct and proper Islam?
UMNO cannot have its cake and eat it. You cannot keep expanding the powers of the religious authorities and then plead with them to exercise discretion or worse still, to close an eye in the name of moderation.
*
On the Singapore scene:
When I talk about the need for strong Malay leaders, it is not to wrestle for more concessions from the Chinese or the PAP; it is to provide tough leadership to the community.
Just like the song Torn between Two Lovers, the PAP Malay leaders seem to be in a dilemma, between staying on the right side of national policies and not treading on sensitive Malay toes.
*
On the current Malaysian scene:
What Malaysia has become today is not just the fault of Pak Lah, but also of Mahathir and all those who had supported him during his 22 years in power.
*
On MM Goh Chok Tong:
When Goh took over the premiership in 1990, many Singaporeans thought that he would be a seat warmer, holding the post for a few years before handing over to Lee Junior. Fate intervened and he lasted 14 years. He was not a seat warmer, but a system warmer. Goh preserved the system that he inherited and kept it in good order, tweaking a little here and there, before passing it intact to his deputy and successor, Lee Junior.
*
On the SAF:
In just over four decade, they have built a lean and mean military machine that could beat off any power, or any combination of power, from within the region.
The neighbourhood mongrel of yesteryear has become the Rottweiler of the region but, unlike the Israeli breed, has yet to develop a taste for land or blood, and may never will, as long as neighbouring hotheads are on a tight leash.
*
On the reaction of a Malaysian army general to the SAF:
“I am sure you know that we (Singapore) can take over half of Johore within 24 hours if the water tap is switched off.” He coolly replied: “Yes, yes, I know, we are not worried. We have the antidote.”
*
On the power of the American Jews:
According to the grapevine, when the Jewish lobby sneezes in Washington, the entire American Congress, including the President in his White House, ducks for cover under their massive oak-lined writing tables.
*
An exclusive, first edition of A Reporter’s Memoir NO HARD FEELINGS has just rolled off the press. It is enjoying brisk sales and all the indications are that a second edition will be necessary. So, quick get your copy. It may become a collector’s item. They are now available at $23 before GST at:
Select Books
Tanglin Shopping Centre #03-15
Tel: 67321515
The Arts House Earshot Café
1 Old Parliament Lane
Tel: 63326900
Alternatively, contact the author: ibekay@singnet.com.sg or ibikay@yahoo.co.uk
Ismail Kassim
