A tongue-in-cheek Preview of Oct 28 Book Launch
24 October 2008
Attn: Editors/Reporters
The management of the YaLong Times takes pleasure in attaching herewith a preview of Ismail Kassim’s forthcoming book launch written by our Bulshitzer prize-winning star reporter, Yi Si Mai. This is a free service. Use it in anyway you like, but please attribute.
A galaxy of media stars will descend on the National Library next Tuesday, Oct 28, to witness the orbiting of Ismail Kassim’s A Reporter’s Memoir No Hard Feelings.
To ensure a successful launch into all the known and unknown worlds, a special rocket, dubbed the Buaya Baby God 1-SRN-HLKY85, has been developed for the occasion by the secret weapons techno-science arm of the SAF.
On hand to do the honours is the star of stars, Seah Chiang Nee, whose name has become synonymous with grit and determination, courage and guts because of his ‘’write the damn truth without fear or favour’’ columns in Little Speck.com.
To help Seah fire the rocket are other legends of the local press such as Peter Lim, Cheong Yip Seng, Sia Cheong Yew, PN Balji and not to forget, David Kraal.
It is their combined sweat and tears, inspiration and perspiration, talent and grit over the last four to five decades that have built the local media into a centre of Excellence, recognized throughout the universe.
Others that will come marching in from the old Times House Hall of Fame include Violet Onn, Brian Miller, Margaret Chan, Wang Joo, Azmi Mahmud, Look Fung, Slyvia Toh, Sonny Yap, Richard Lim, Betty Khoo and Irene Hoe.
As former ST reporter Gerry deSilva quipped: ‘’ It will be the greatest gathering of media talent in Singapore since the first edition of The Straits Times hit the streets in 1845.’’
Author Ismail and Seah were among the first from Times House to venture abroad in search of news and stories. On some of the trips, they were together – the latter reporting for the Straits Times and the former for the New Nation.
On many occasions, Ismail went alone. Braving leaches in muddy padi fields and shit-filled potholes in tin mines, drug-ridden slums and ganja shanties, and cholera, gonorrhea and syphilis, he went everywhere to show the flag, ferret out the news, abuse the men and entice the women in the best Livingstone tradition.
Because of him, New Nation and then Straits Times became a household name from remote Kg Cheruk Tok Kun (Anwar’s birth place) to Lahad Datu, the pirate’s hideout, to Xin Jian New Village on the outskirts of Bidor, where many of the stars from YaLong have come from since the 1950s.
In his Author’s delight, highly placed sources said Ismail is expected to speak in Malay first to honour the National Language and then a few words in Mandarin to amuse his Chinese teacher and then in English to entertain his guests.
‘’You can expect him to hit out at the ingrained obsession in official circles to think only of money and maximising profit, even in times of pain and hardship, even to the extent of duping ignorant folks.
‘’He wants to use the occasion to thumb his nose against them, and what better way is there than selling his memoir at the lowest price possible,’’ said a source particularly close to him.
In his address, Seah is likely to touch on the same theme and moan the rise of a new Singapore that he can neither recognize nor love.
There will also be an infusion of foreign talent from across the Johore Causeway. Hardev Kaur, Zainon Ahmad and even the great mullah, Kali, are expected to show up to add glamour and glitz to the gathering.
‘’Who has not heard of Kali? With his ears constantly on the ground and his ass high up in the air, he knows every going-on in UMNO. He can even tell you who goes to the shit- house and when,’’said a diplomat turned scholar, who was formerly the permanent representative from the little red dot to Putraland.
Other stars coming include Assif Shameen (if not for his Malaysian reports Asiaweek would have folded a decade or two earlier) and Mervin Nambiar, the Keralite who has become a legend in the Agence-France Presse for both his reporting and marketing prowess..
To underline his Malay roots, Ismail has also arranged for an old friend, Abdul Talib Ghani, to recite pantuns to add a mystical touch to the proceedings.
According to a source close to both of them, Talib has the potential of becoming the greatest pantunist ‘semenjak Singapura di-langgat todak lima ribu tahun dahulu.’ (since swordfish attacked Singapore 5000 years ago – three zeros is correct).
And presiding over the proceedings as Master of Ceremony is Mohd. Amin Sidek – Singapore’s version of the great and unpredictable Idi Amin.
P/S: Hot News
A Reporter’s Memoir NO HARD FEELINGS has just been nominated for the Hooker Book Prize 2009. The winner will be decided by secret ballot to be conducted by the top 10 YaLong houses from among its girls and patrons from Jan 1 to Feb 28. We like to urge friends of the Author to stand up and do their bit for him.
Attention to Reporters/Editors: Don’t get scooped. Make sure you send someone to cover the event.
Tah Zi You
Chief Editor
YaLong Times
32, Lorong 28, Geylang
Singapore
